Star Tech: The Support Generation

Captain's log:  Stardate...um...stardate...heh heh, I can't remember.   
Let's call it Tuesday.  The Enterprise has been stopped dead in space.  
It seems that someone replaced our ordinary dilithium crystals with Folgers 
Crystals.  While the ship now smells delightfully of fresh coffee,  we can 
no longer get our engines running.  Starfleet in its infinite wisdom, has 
deemed that we should not simply sit idle while repairs are made, but rather 
that we should serve the Federation by fielding technical support calls for 
FedWare software.  While it is an unusual transition, the crew seems to be 
adjusting rather well.

Picard:		Number One, please put us on-line for the next call.

Riker:		Yes sir.  Ensign, please put us in "Manual In".  

Ensign:		Aye aye, sir.

		[Beep!]

Picard:		Thank you for calling FedWare Technical Support.  My name is 
		Jean Luc.  How may we help you?

Customer:	Hiya Johnny.  Boy I'll tell you what, this software is really 
		awful.  I've been a user ever since the first version came 
		out and they just keep getting more and more screwed up with 
		each version, you know what I mean?

Picard:		Yes sir, I can certainly sympathize with your plight.  Now, 
		what seems to be the trouble.

Customer:	Well, you see, I can't seem to install this new version of 
		FedWare.  It keeps bombing out with "not enough memory" 
		error messages.  Now I've got plenty of memory, at least 256 
		gigs of RAM, and twin 340 Terabyte hard drives.  Oh, and I'm 
		running Windows 2495, beta. 

Picard:		[signals to worf to hit the mute button]   Suggestions?

LaForge:	Run a level three diagnostic on his CPU, then reroute the 
		primary power supply through his microwave oven.

Worf:		Reformat his hard drive.

Data:		I recommend we reconfigure his CMOS setup and then do a 
		sector by sector analysis of his hard drive, rewrite his 
		config.sys and autoexec.bat from scratch, program a new 
		video driver in C++++++++, rewire the...

Picard:		Thank you Mister Data.  Counselor?

Troi:		He is sincere in the error message he gave us, but I sense 
		deception.  He may be trying to hide something from us.

Picard:		[Nodding]  Agreed.  [Signals to worf to turn off mute]  Sir 
		we would like to get a better Idea of what we're dealing with 
		here.  Could you please run the command MSD?

Customer:	Uh, ok.  Whatever that is.  Do you want me to read you this 
		stuff here?

Picard:		Make it so.

Customer:	Well, it says 8088 next to computer, 512K in memory...

Riker:		[Smiles and looks at Deanna]  Ensign, place your finger over 
		the release button.  

Ensign:		Ready sir.

Picard:		Engage.  [Does that funny thing with his hand.]  Next call.

Customer2:	Yeah, I can't seem to download dirty pictures while I'm 
		running your FedWare program.  I mean, I need to be 
		productive here.  Got any suggestions?

Data:		Captain, may I handle this one?

Picard:		Yes Mister Data, you have the con.

Data:		Mr. Customer?

Customer2:	Yeah?

Data:		Get a life!

The bridge crew chuckles appreciatively as the Ensign again hits the release 
button.

Riker:		Next customer.

Customer3:	Hi.  I've got a really bad problem here.  I was working in 
		your program and now, everytime I try to save my file, my 
		toilet flushes, the garbage disposal starts throwing out old 
		vegetables, and monitor begins playing old Twisted sister 
		videos.  What's going on here?

Riker:		What the hell?

LaForge:	Captain, we're talking total system shutdown here.

Data:		I agree captain.  The cpu is sending out an ectoplasmic warp 
		bubble distortion.  If we do not contain the bubble, it could 
		endanger this entire sector.

Crusher:	You're talking millions of lives at stake!  My son!

Picard:		Is not even in this galaxy, Doctor.  Get a hold of yourself.  

Computer:	Warning...three hours until full distortion.  Fatal exposure 
		in four hours, twenty seven seconds.  Structural failure in...

Worf:		Shut up!  [Fires phaser at the enterprise computer!]  

Computer:	I am Landru!  You will be absorbed!  The good of the body is...

Riker:		[Jumps up and joins Worf in firing at the computer.]

Computer:	Greetings, Professor Falken.  Would you like to play a game?

Mathew:		[Typing]  Yes.  Let's play global thermonuclear war.	
Broderick

Computer:	Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?

Broderick:	No, let's play global thermonuclear war.

Computer:	Fine. 

Riker:		Who are you?

Broderick:	You don't understand!  Joshua is still playing the game!

Picard:		Mr. Worf, take this young whippersnapper to the brig.

Broderick:	Whippersnapper?  I never snapped a whipper in my life!  Just 
		a WOPR.  

Troi:		Oh the pain!  

Picard:		Enough!  Now we've got a job to do, so lets do it.   The 
		customer comes first, and our bonuses depend this.  Number 
		One, prepare for full systems analysis!

Will the Enterprise crew be able to save the customer's computer, or this 
quadrant of the galaxy?  Will the customer have to send his files in to Data 
Recovery?  Will Joshua continue to play the game???  Stay tuned for the next, 
exciting episode of...