Star Tech: The Support Generation
Captain's log: Stardate...um...stardate...heh heh, I can't remember.
Let's call it Tuesday. The Enterprise has been stopped dead in space.
It seems that someone replaced our ordinary dilithium crystals with Folgers
Crystals. While the ship now smells delightfully of fresh coffee, we can
no longer get our engines running. Starfleet in its infinite wisdom, has
deemed that we should not simply sit idle while repairs are made, but rather
that we should serve the Federation by fielding technical support calls for
FedWare software. While it is an unusual transition, the crew seems to be
adjusting rather well.
Picard: Number One, please put us on-line for the next call.
Riker: Yes sir. Ensign, please put us in "Manual In".
Ensign: Aye aye, sir.
Picard: Thank you for calling FedWare Technical Support. My name is
Jean Luc. How may we help you?
Customer: Hiya Johnny. Boy I'll tell you what, this software is really
awful. I've been a user ever since the first version came
out and they just keep getting more and more screwed up with
each version, you know what I mean?
Picard: Yes sir, I can certainly sympathize with your plight. Now,
what seems to be the trouble.
Customer: Well, you see, I can't seem to install this new version of
FedWare. It keeps bombing out with "not enough memory"
error messages. Now I've got plenty of memory, at least 256
gigs of RAM, and twin 340 Terabyte hard drives. Oh, and I'm
running Windows 2495, beta.
Picard: [signals to worf to hit the mute button] Suggestions?
LaForge: Run a level three diagnostic on his CPU, then reroute the
primary power supply through his microwave oven.
Worf: Reformat his hard drive.
Data: I recommend we reconfigure his CMOS setup and then do a
sector by sector analysis of his hard drive, rewrite his
config.sys and autoexec.bat from scratch, program a new
video driver in C++++++++, rewire the...
Picard: Thank you Mister Data. Counselor?
Troi: He is sincere in the error message he gave us, but I sense
deception. He may be trying to hide something from us.
Picard: [Nodding] Agreed. [Signals to worf to turn off mute] Sir
we would like to get a better Idea of what we're dealing with
here. Could you please run the command MSD?
Customer: Uh, ok. Whatever that is. Do you want me to read you this
Picard: Make it so.
Customer: Well, it says 8088 next to computer, 512K in memory...
Riker: [Smiles and looks at Deanna] Ensign, place your finger over
the release button.
Ensign: Ready sir.
Picard: Engage. [Does that funny thing with his hand.] Next call.
Customer2: Yeah, I can't seem to download dirty pictures while I'm
running your FedWare program. I mean, I need to be
productive here. Got any suggestions?
Data: Captain, may I handle this one?
Picard: Yes Mister Data, you have the con.
Data: Mr. Customer?
Data: Get a life!
The bridge crew chuckles appreciatively as the Ensign again hits the release
Riker: Next customer.
Customer3: Hi. I've got a really bad problem here. I was working in
your program and now, everytime I try to save my file, my
toilet flushes, the garbage disposal starts throwing out old
vegetables, and monitor begins playing old Twisted sister
videos. What's going on here?
Riker: What the hell?
LaForge: Captain, we're talking total system shutdown here.
Data: I agree captain. The cpu is sending out an ectoplasmic warp
bubble distortion. If we do not contain the bubble, it could
endanger this entire sector.
Crusher: You're talking millions of lives at stake! My son!
Picard: Is not even in this galaxy, Doctor. Get a hold of yourself.
Computer: Warning...three hours until full distortion. Fatal exposure
in four hours, twenty seven seconds. Structural failure in...
Worf: Shut up! [Fires phaser at the enterprise computer!]
Computer: I am Landru! You will be absorbed! The good of the body is...
Riker: [Jumps up and joins Worf in firing at the computer.]
Computer: Greetings, Professor Falken. Would you like to play a game?
Mathew: [Typing] Yes. Let's play global thermonuclear war.
Computer: Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?
Broderick: No, let's play global thermonuclear war.
Riker: Who are you?
Broderick: You don't understand! Joshua is still playing the game!
Picard: Mr. Worf, take this young whippersnapper to the brig.
Broderick: Whippersnapper? I never snapped a whipper in my life! Just
Troi: Oh the pain!
Picard: Enough! Now we've got a job to do, so lets do it. The
customer comes first, and our bonuses depend this. Number
One, prepare for full systems analysis!
Will the Enterprise crew be able to save the customer's computer, or this
quadrant of the galaxy? Will the customer have to send his files in to Data
Recovery? Will Joshua continue to play the game??? Stay tuned for the next,
exciting episode of...
Star Tech: The support Generation!
Rory Kevin McManus (email@example.com)