Here it is!!! CIRT Trek 2!!! Sequel to the fantastic CIRT Trek
Because you asked for it...
Because our fans demanded it...
Because I have nothing better to do...
CIRT Trek II
"Have Spaceship, Will Park It"
Exterior View: The Enterprise, zooming along at some random warp setting.
Cut to bridge: Captain Picard is sitting back, enjoying a cup of "Tea,
Earl Grey, hot." Obviously it's a little too hot, as
he is fanning his tongue rapidly with his hand.
Riker: Sir, isn't it about time to make the "Captain's Log?"
Picard: No, Commander Riker, I took the liberty of making it a couple of
hours ago. I must admit, those laxitives Dr. Crusher gave me
really get the job done!
Riker: Er, I meant the other kind, Sir, the one you do at the beginning
of every episode.
Picard: Oh (blush), quite right.
Captain's Log, StarDate 5423.6: The Enterprise is en route to Earth,
where we are to drop off young Wesley Crusher at StarFleet Academy, UNM
Campus. Wesley had been staying with his mother, Beverly during his
summer break. Dr. Crusher is saddened by his imminent departure, for it
means that once again she will need to make frequent stops at Starbases
to pick up Wesley's laundry, which he sends to her via "Federation
Express", guaranteed overnight delivery.
Data: Captain, we are now entering Earth Orbit.
Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. Establish parking orbit over the Academy
and inform Chief O'Brien that there will be three to beam down.
Picard stands up to leave when a funny looking, white spaceship with red
and blue lights on top and "UNM Police and Parking Services" written on
its sides pulls up in front of the Enterprise.
Worf: Sir, we are being hailed by the vessel.
Picard: On screen.
Police: Excuse me, but you're not allowed to park here.
Picard: I beg your pardon?
Police: You are not displaying a valid permit for this parking area. You
must purchase a permit from StarFleet Academy Parking Services.
Picard: Well, we shouldn't be any problem officer. We're just dropping
off a student so we shan't be long.
Police: If you fail to remove your vessel from the premises immediately we
will be forced to issue you a citation.
Picard: Allright, we'll move. Is there any place we can legally park to
drop him off and help move in for a short time?
Police: Yes, there is a visitors parking lot at these coordinates.
Worf: Transmission received, Captain.
Ensign: Course laid in, Sir.
Picard: Very well, Engage.
The Enterprise fires up her engines and moves to another zone.
Arriving at the designated coordinates, they find a rickety looking
wooden booth and a bored looked Academy Campus Police officer munching
Picard: Mr. Worf, hail the guard.
Worf: Contact established.
Picard: Excuse me, but we'd like to put our ship in parking orbit for a
Guard: Hang on a second.
He stuffs the rest of the donut in his mouth, chews noisily, and then
wipes his mouth on his sleeve.
Guard: Can I see your registration?
Picard: Data, transmit registration code.
The guard looks at his screen, then looks up.
Guard: I'm sorry, I can't let you park here.
Picard: And why not?
Guard: Well, you have a student on board, so you legally have to put
your rig in student parking. Besides, we never have any open
spots in here anyhow.
Picard: Well how the hell do you expect us to park in student parking?
We neither have a parking permit, nor the desire to get one!
Guard: Sorry, but rules are rules. You'll have to go to Police and
Parking Services to get a permit.
Picard: Ensign, plot a course.
Ensign: Course laid in sir.
Exterior view...the Enterprise is hovering outside a dull, whitewashed
building in orbit about the Earth.
Cut to bridge, where Captain Picard is arguing with a Parking Services
Lady: I'm sorry sir, but we're all sold out of permits in these areas.
The only ones we have left are in the "N" lot.
Picard: But the "N" lot is on Rigel 4!
Lady: Our convenient shuttle service flies between the "N" lot and the
campus every 15 days. Will you be writing a check for your permit
Picard: Lady, you can take that permit and shove it up your...
Exterior view: The Enterprise warps away.
Riker: Well Sir, what are we to do now? We can't park, and Wesley has
to get moved into his dorm. Classes begin tomorrow morning.
Data: Captain, I am picking up a somewhat remote parking area that is
still within transporter range of the campus. There are several
spaces open and I am detecting no Police vehicles in the general
Picard: Well done, Data! If everyone else in this school can get away
with parking illegally, so can we.
The Enterprise moves into an unoccupied space in "Parking Orbit."
Interior, the transporter room: Picard, Wesley, and Beverly Crusher are
standing on the transporter platform. Wesley has a pillow under one arm,
a stereo under the other, and a nerdly looking backpack over his
Beverly: Did you remember to bring the clean towels I gave you?
Wesley: Aw, Mom! I can take care of myself now. You don't have to keep
Beverly: In other words, you forgot them. Chop chop Wes, run and get them.
Picard stares at the ceiling, looking annoyed. Wesley barrels back into
the room a moment later, clean towels under his arms. Picard nods to
Transporter Chief O'Brien, who then beams them to the Campus.
Several hours later, after they get Wesley moved in...
Wesley: Well, the cafeteria is gonna quit serving in a few minutes so I
gotta run. See ya in a few months Mom! (runs out the door.)
Beverly: Bye bye, Wesley. (*sniff*)
Picard: Hmm...being here reminds me a lot of my academy days...boy & girl,
alone in a dorm room...heh heh
He breaks into a huge grin and starts raising his eyebrows up and down,
winking at Dr. Crusher.
Beverly: You don't look well, Jean Luc. Do you need another laxitive?
Picard: Huh? Oh, ahem...(hits his comm badge) Picard to Enterprise. Two
to beam up.
He waits a second, then tries again.
Picard: Picard to Enterprise, come in please.
Still no response.
Beverly: Jean Luc, what could have happened? Romulans? The Ferengi???
Picard: Let's not waste any time finding out!
They run out of the dorms and to the Campus Police headquarters.
Picard: Officer, I need to find out what happened to my ship. Is was
in orbit, but now it seems to have dissappeared!
Officer: I'll need a description of the vehicle and its registration
Picard gives them to the Officer, who then turns to a computer console
and begins typing away at the keys.
Officer: Well sonny, looks like your ship was parked illegally. It was
Picard: Towed away??? Are you crazy? You can't tow a Federation Starship!
Officer: We can tow anything parked illegally on campus. Now let's see...
your fine for the illegal parking, not including the towing charges
you'll have to pay when you pick up your ship, comes to...
Cut to Broadway Space Towing...The Enterprise is jacked up on a tow
ship. Picard argues with the man at the facility, then throws his hands
up in the air and hands the guy some money. The guy grins and walks
Picard steps onto the bridge.
Riker: Er, yes Sir?
Picard: You ninny! How could you let them tow the Enterprise?
Riker: Well sir, they threatened to prevent me from registering next
semester if I didn't comply.
Picard: But you've already graduated!
Riker: Oh, that's right. Oops...
Worf: I have phasers and photon torpedos locked on the Police and
Parking Services building, Captain. Shall I initiate firing
Picard: I'd like to, but they warned me against taking any retalitory
action against them. They said the consequences would be dire.
Riker: What would they do to us?
Picard: Something more sinister than even the Romulans could think of...
they'd force us to attend all the Lobo football games for the next
Cut to exterior: The Enterprise warps away into space, in search of new
and exciting missions, and hopefully, a much better plot!
Written by Rory K. McManus (firstname.lastname@example.org)